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State of the Bar Address

Guess what? Most attorneys in town do nothing for you, the poor bastards. Why? Some are greedy and vain though paralyzed by fear and some are just plain dumb. In this article I'll focus on the former and try to explain their penchant for inaction. I begin with a statement that's no surprise to anyone: most attorneys are obsessed with making money. Worse, most attorneys are vain to an extreme. What does this mean?

First, in their endless quest for money to feed their addiction to vanity and attention, attorneys take every possible case they can get their hands on and proceed to do as little as possible with those cases; this is known as efficiency and is how attorneys maximize their income whilst simultaneously avoiding the searing glare of the State Bar of Nevada, which eats its own like a ravenous, starving cannibal-in other words, the less attorneys do, the less likely they are to mess anything up and risk the wrath of the dreaded bar. Secondly, and to further line their pockets with cash, attorneys are often understaffed with cheap, uneducated labor.

The result of this is that clients can never get a hold of their attorney and get bad information from their attorney's 21 year old assistant with a high school diploma; indeed, a client will meet his attorney only rarely and most commonly under the following circumstances: 1) when that attorney takes his money, 2) when the client fails to pay his attorney, 3) maybe trial (not that an actual trial will ever be conducted), and 4) when the client inevitably files a bar complaint or threatens to do so and the attorney calls his client to justify his inaction and impotence.

Aside from that, attorneys don't do much. The average attorney does not write his own pleadings and letters, does not prepare his file, rarely has any substantive communication with his client, and hardly ever knows the facts of whatever case he's working on like he should. This is demonstrated by an attorney's penchant for negotiating everything and rarely putting on a contested hearing or actually conducting a trial. That is, the fact that a client's case is negotiated rarely has anything to do with the merits of that client's case; rather, negotiated settlements have everything to do with an attorney's lack of preparation, want of knowledge regarding the law and failure to engage in even rudimentary discovery and investigation of facts.

Indeed, if you stand around the halls of family court or the local criminal courts long enough you will inevitably be privy to the inescapable farce of an attorney looking for a client he is meeting for the first time at whatever hearing, and sometimes trial, is set for that day. If you're lucky you'll see the occasional situation where an attorney forgets his client's name or pertinent facts like the names and ages of his client's kids, for example.

In short, attorneys do as little as possible and seek to make as much as they can for their inaction. The reason for this is that most attorneys focus their entire attention on congratulating themselves for being attorneys. Those attorneys place their whole worth and value not on the service they provide their clients but, rather, how they can maintain their privileged position in what one particularly worthless attorney once described to me as “the fraternity of lawyers”.

If you're reading this article you should know by the contempt and derision we hold such useless and impotent attorneys that we are not that and you can trust that this office will work for you relentlessly and zealously with a razor sharp focus on the service we provide you to the exclusion of all else, particularly other attorneys.

Categories: Opinion